We are healing from sexual abuse on the metaphysical level: aimed at nature and origin of existence, shaming the feeling of life itself. This is an attack that goes beyond any one Christian sect or denomination and spreads into the whole population. Now that we can (once again) see this hypocrisy for what it is, we have a question—how and where do we begin the healing process?
We don't need a sexual revolution. We need conscious sexual evolution, which means many people individuating and living lives of authenticity, transparency, and awareness (the opposite of hypocrisy). The sexual evolution is about being real. That alone leads to growth and healing, because once you're real, you then must confront and bring to the light all the aspects of yourself that were hidden in the shadows.
The core of sexual evolution is that you are an independent person and so is everyone else. Then you do what you want to do in an ethical way. Part of that ethical way involves honoring independence, sexual choices, and understanding that nearly all of us exist on a continuum with each of our lovers, as they do with us—there are (for nearly everyone) those who "came before" and those who will "come after."
That leaves plenty of room for deep exchange, safe containers for family, and longterm or even lifelong commitment.
Now that monogamous lesbians and male homosexuals are on the way to full acceptance in society (they have all their credits and have written their dissertation—they are just waiting for the committee to sign off—that would be the Supreme Court, coming soon, folks, we don't know what they are gonna say), it's time to open the discussion that sexuality exists on a three-dimensional continuum (not the Kinsey scale), and that every person has a different sexual orientation with every different person we encounter.
That's not enough for a protest. I cannot march with the "I am hot for Darla" faction of the Queer Pride parade. But the Queer Pride parade is always in factions that often exclude one another. I learned this one year when I was marching with the Masturbation Faction (me and my friend Jenna) and some other faction told me to get away because they didn't want to be associated with something so queer.
Anyway—here are some ideas about the frontier, about who needs and deserves full inclusion in the conversation of what is possible.
People who are open and positive about sex. I am learning that this is a rare breed—of people who admit the whole thing, stating who they are, who they like, and what they do. They are the people who can carry on a conversation and create the spaces where nothing is taboo.
Self-sexuals, which includes everyone part of the time, and many people much of the time. Many people otherwise engaged sexually have their best sex with themselves. This includes people who choose to be sexual exclusively with themselves; if we were to hear from them we would find out there are a lot more than we thought.
My sense is that this is where the real change—claiming pleasure and releasing guilt and shame—will start or may have already started. I understand conscious self-sexuality to be an easily accessible, pleasurable, socially interesting path to sexual healing.
I have noticed that many people are reluctant to speak up and claim this. I am doing my best to set a different trend. (I may hold the World Internet Record for mentions of masturbation in my articles; as of today, I get 6,060 Google returns on the topic.) I know there are a lot more people who have something to say—who I have yet to hear from (happily anticipating your e-mails).
People who choose themselves as a sex partner, whether "one on one" or in the context of other sexual relationships, have the right to not feel shame about this, and we need to educate one another how to do this.
I took a little surf of my 6,060 Google hits a few minutes ago and found this quote, apropos of self-sexuality, that I wrote a few years back:
"I would propose that masturbation is about a lot more than masturbation—and that's the reason it's still considered so taboo by many people, and in many places. First, I would say that masturbation holds the key to all sexuality. It's a kind of proto-sexuality, the core of the matter of what it means to be sexual. I mean this in an existential sense. Masturbation is the most elemental form of sexuality, requiring only awareness and a body. Whatever we experience when we go there is what we bring into our sexual encounters with others—whether we recognize it or not. Many factors contribute to obscuring this simple fact."
