I am writing to say that there is another form of sexuality that I think you may not be aware of. That is, the use of karezza, Daoist, or tantric methods to explore the infinity within a partnership of two people. Every person is an infinitely complex microcosm.
Sex using what is sometimes termed "dual angelic cultivation" is both sensually and emotionally, deeply satisfying and beautiful. Yet it is a sort of spiritual practice that requires discipline and deep emotional generosity. It creates a profound sense of intimacy, yet most people are too obsessed with shallower, quicker, sort of "efficient" sexual practices to even attempt a karezza relationship.
I posit that even monogamous, heterosexual sex is still a frontier that in itself has barely been explored. Some of us still want to make new discoveries in that field. So don't we have a place in your pantheon, too?
I get these letters from time to time, from well-meaning defenders of the monogamous faith. At first I thought I disagreed with her position. My article was about being different, not doing something that's brainwashed into kids with the "chastity pledge," protected by the Defense of Marriage Act, and upheld by various amendments to state constitutions. My only objections to monogamy are when it's mandatory, and when it's not true. No two surveys say exactly the same thing, except that there are many people who consider themselves monogamous who have sex with more than one person.
There's also a factual issue with the letter, which is that the forms of sex she's describing are not inherently about monogamy. Karezza, or sex where the man does not ejaculate, developed as a way that a man can handle having 20 wives, all of whom he must in some way satisfy sexually. This is related to Daoist practice (they don't think men should "waste" their chi, or vital force), but this is generally not an issue in couples where sex is mainly for reproduction.
As for tantra, at its core, this approach is about violating the rules of supposedly moral (or socially acceptable) conduct more than it is about following them. Tantra is about actual growth, which means coming out of one's mental and emotional boxes, stretching out, and experiencing things other than what one's beliefs would otherwise permit.
Tantric practice can involve people of different castes being paired up (who would never normally have sex, as the lower caste can be considered "unclean"). There are tantric practices that involve vegetarians eating meat, people drinking alcohol or experimenting with drugs when these things are forbidden, and experiencing forms of sexual contact that they would never reveal to mother (or their husband or wife).
Westernized ideas about tantra can sometimes make it seem like it's the thing that perfect couples do to be even more perfect, which is a lot to live up to. (An easier approach is to eat Nature Valley Granola Bars.) Often, tantra in the New Age style is given the Holy Seal of Monogamy, but that just makes it acceptable to people influenced by religion and social conditioning—which is what tantra is designed to subvert.
Tantra is not about sex. It's about a direct relationship to existence that fully embraces sex and sexuality, and takes that spirit into whatever else one does. Tantra is a holistic approach to existence that includes everything. This is difficult to relate in a world where many people think that sex is this itch you scratch, hopefully in the way that evokes the least possible vulnerability, and then you get on with your life.
After a dialog with the reader, however, I had evolved in my thinking, and decided to add two modalities to my notion of the Frontier of Queer. The first is for monogamous couples who are that way by choice. If you consider yourself monogamous, you'll need to figure out if this is really by choice. Of course, you may think it is, but have other options ever been put on the table?
I suggest you consider the consequences if were to have some non-monogamous experience, or even share the desire to do so. What if you opened up the conversation of wanting to experience sex with a friend, or wanting a nonexclusive relationship? Would your world fall apart? Then you're unlikely to be monogamous by choice. If you are terrified of jealousy or of your partner's jealousy, you don't really have viable options.
