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Our Way, Norway, or No Way

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Larry Beinhart
  • Larry Beinhart

Donald Trump's blurts (blurts are like tweets, but audible) are always stimulating. His desire to replace immigrants from Shithole Countries with Norwegians (and presumably Norwegian-like and Norwegian-lite peoples, since there aren't a lot of Norwegians to go around), suggests a possible alternate history. Something like "The Man in the High Castle," an Amazon TV series based on a novel by Philip K. Dick in which the US lost World War II, making the East Coast part of the Third Reich and leaving the West Coast occupied by Japan. But it would be much less dramatic and a lot more boring, since, face it, after the Vikings faded out, Norwegians haven't been particularly histrionic. Still...let us imagine!

Biatheletes! Don't get excited. There's nothing salacious there. It means people who cross-country ski and shoot rifles. For the Finns—another Nordic people—who would almost certainly be included, it was more than a sport, it was a set of skills that could hold back an invading army, if they're Russians and it's 1939.

America might have to give up certain over-hyped, over-commercialized sports like basketball and football, which are overloaded with people of African origin, and baseball, which is so full of Latinos.

But in return, we would excel and even develop world domination in cross-country skiing, ski jumping, and Nordic combined (cross country and jumping!).

Curling! That's the one where you slide a rounded, polished stone with a handle attached along the ice and your teammates, armed with brooms, frantically brush the ice at the same time. Bandy! That's ice hockey with a ball instead of a puck. Skijoring! A personal favorite. It's like water skiing except instead of boat you use a horse (or dogs) and instead of water, you do it on snow.

How about intellectual accomplishments?

The multiethnic USA has won 368 Nobel prizes! Norway has only won 13. Would we be giving up our national mind?

Not so fast. On a per capita basis, Norway has twice as many as the US: 24.5 Nobels per 10,000,000 to America's 11.34. If we kicked all the other ethnics out and replaced them with Norwegians, would our country have been twice as smart and have won 736 prizes? But Saint Lucia, some shithole island in the Caribbean, has almost 10 times the Nobel Prizes as the US on a per capita basis!

Think of the culinary effect. Goodbye Chipotle, Taco Bell, and El Pollo Loco, hello Love Yer Lutefisk, Make Mine Mølje, Ready Rakfisk! For those sadly unfamiliar with these northern treats, lutefisk is dried fish that's been steeped in lye; mølje is poached fish, roe, and liver; and rakfisk is fermented trout.

Music! How relieved we will be to be rid of rap. Of rock 'n' roll. Jazz. Reggae. Reggaeton. Mariachi. Instead we'll have that wonderful Norwegian sound! I admit I know nothing of Norwegian music. My brief research indicates that contemporary Norwegian pop music is American music by Norwegians, which means it's that mix of African, African-American, white-American, redux. If we pulled the Africans out of the equations, what do we have left? We have Myron Floren—the Norwegian-American child of Ole and Tillie Floren—the accordionist on "The Lawrence Welk Show."

We might also have a democratic socialist state, with real national health care, far better education, a progressive criminal justice system, and social security. Imagine that. What a wonderful world it would be. With that in mind, let us change that old poem on the Statue of Liberty. The one by Emma Lazarus is reproduced here, for reference, with a suggested improved replacement below.

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

The Newer Huger Better Than You've Ever Seen Colossus!

Not like one of those loser statues!

More like a Tower of Trump, golden lettered

which will make it much more bettered.

Here we stand with wide-open invitations

to all but Africans, Muslims, Mexes, and Haitians.

Give us your whiter, cleaner, and richer peoples

who worship at churches that have steeples.

Yes, we must rewrite and redo the old verse

in the Time of Trump, it's white America first!

Give us your Nordics, you know like Norwegians,

Saudi billionaires, and other Northern Europeans.

The tossed, homeless loser thing has gotten old

We're taking the winners, bringing gold!

(Which we can launder for you, upon request.)

The original print version of this article was titled:
"Our Way, Norway, or No Way"

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