Thank you for coming and welcome to the Donald J. Trump Freedom Museum and Patriot Theme ParkTM! My name is Natasha and I'll be your guide. Here we tell the triumphal story of a humble man of modest means, a self-made man, who battled skeptics, doubters, haters, socialists, those with pre-existing conditions, Crooked Hilary, fake news, that POW loser John McCain, Antifa, world leaders who laughed behind his back, and the Deep State on his way to making America great again! And fantastic ratings! Not to mention sparking a heroic patriot uprising on January 6, 2021 in protest of a rigged election, stolen from our dear leader by Sleepy Creepy Joe. This second American Revolution, destined to restore real democracy, is being violently suppressed by the Deep State to this very day. Red-blooded Americans have been censored and driven underground—into little spider holes, like terrorists. Won't you help a patriot move out of his mother's basement by donating to our Freedom Fighters Fund today? Just look for @TrumpCorporation on Venmo!
Before we begin the tour, I'd like to remind everyone...Yes, a question from the back? No, this is not a presidential library. While the tradition of presidents donating their papers to the federal government dates back to Herbert Hoover and the Presidential Records Act of 1978 enshrined into law that presidential records are the property of the US government, this is not a presidential library. The Donald J. Trump Freedom Museum and Patriot Theme ParkTM is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Trump Corporation. We are grateful to our patrons, the Russian government, for allowing us to build this monument to the greatest US president of all on the outskirts of Moscow, in Mother Russia, a country Trump loved second only to America. Maybe even more at times! Just don't tell that to Robert Mueller! I joke, I joke. Let's commence our tour. One note of caution: Those sensitive to Axe body spray may want to take precautions as Eric Trump was in the building just a little while ago.
On your left, you see a replica of the log cabin President Trump grew up in in the wilds of Jamaica Estates, Queens, a land at the frontier between New York City and suburbia. When President Trump left home to strike out on his own and make his fortune, his father packed a measly $1 million in a satchel and sent his son off to strike it rich! Again!
The photograph on your right is of a very important man in President's Trump's life, Dr. Larry Braunstein. This podiatrist thankfully diagnosed the bone spurs in President Trump's heels that had been bedeviling him so and led to his medical exemption from the military during Vietnam. A question? Yes, I believe Dr. Braunstein was Jewish. No, they don't all have visible horns. Some of them choose to shave them down or wear a hat.
In this small glass case are the written records of the Trump Administration. Yes, that's correct, there are only two documents. We were hoping to print out the 34,000 @realDonaldTrump tweets issued from the start of his candidacy until he was deplatformed by the evil Jack Dorsey just days before he was forced out of office. We even created a taxonomy for them. Categories included: Late-Night Ranting, Score Settling, Firings, Petty Grievance Airing, Calls to Sedition...The gentleman in the Camp Auschwitz hoodie: Please lower your gun, I'm only joking. All President Trump Tweets were perfect, like the call to Ukraine.
This is probably a good time to remind you that while the Donald J. Trump Freedom Museum and Patriot Theme ParkTM is an open-carry museum, we ask that no firearms be discharged in the museum proper. Please hold your fire until the end of the tour when you can vent your frustration on the LibTard Firing Range, featuring a variety of classic President Trump targets, including Rosie O'Donnell, James Comey, the traitor Mike Pence, and the media.
But back to the documents: The first is the Kenyan birth certificate of Barack Hussein Obama. Just take a look at how legit that is. Yes, White-Out was commonly used by bureaucrats in Nairobi in the early `60s. The other paper is the helpful memo on the Insurrection Act and declaring martial law that patriot and My Pillow founder Mike Lindell brought to the president after the popular uprising on January 6, 2021. Note that the papers are slightly burned at the edges. In the chaotic last week of the presidency, many staffers took the sarcastic president's directive to "burn it all before Pelosi gets it" as literal, much like some Americans didn't get the joke when President Trump told them to inject bleach as a coronavirus treatment. Americans can be so gullible, amirite?
Up ahead is one of our interactive exhibits, commemorating the visit President Trump made to save Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. Join in the fun as an animatronic Trump throws rolls of paper towels into the crowd. This is a really fun one for the kids!
A new ride we've just opened here on the left is the Ivanka & Donald Tunnel of Love Ride. While President Trump loved all his children (maybe not Tiffany), he loved his daughter Ivanka best. As he told the assembled hosts on "The View" in 2006: "She does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." This way please for all the fathers and daughters who want to deepen their relationship.
This alcove on the right contains a collection of the spines of mainstream Republicans who tried to use President Trump's connection to his base for their own political ends. It's a wonderfully diverse group of vertebrae, from moderates like Susan Collins to fawning lickspittles like Lindsey Graham to people who should have known better like William Barr. This gallery brings together the largest display of prisoner skeletons since the "Bodies" exhibition.
That's the end of my tour, but there's loads more to discover here at Donald J. Trump Freedom Museum and Patriot Theme ParkTM. I encourage you all to visit the Charlottesville diorama commemorating the Day of Khaki Solidarity. And don't forget to see some of the actual cages that were used to house migrant children on the Mexican border. While these chain-link enclosures were built by Obama, I think we can all agree that President Trump put them to better use.
I hope you've enjoyed the tour, please exit through the gift shop. Our featured product this week is a model of Mount Rushmore, with President Trump featured alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt. And there's also a sale on mittens for the small-handed.