Now 'tis November, a long way from June Now 'tis the season for the great full loon. That 'tis not a typo, not one letter too soon, 'tis our intention, to sing a loony tune.
When you think loony, you might think of Tea, party of Cruz, not of you nor of me. If that was an insult, it was not accidental they've made success out of being quite mental. If you're one of them, I suggest medication (through private insurance, not from our nation. You may not know, or not be aware that includes Medicaid and includes Medicare. I will say as well, the result of a dare, policies from the Act of Affordable Care.)
When you think loons, you might think sequester, or that John Boehner should be our court jester with his face so orange and his eyes full of tears leading a house full of Republican sneers. You might think Eric Cantor, not a son of bitch, Just, Olberman says, "an idiot tool of the rich."
But it's not one of them, no nothing like that, nor of the economy that is falling so flat, Not how Chris Christie is impossibly fat, and New York football is sadder than that, Not about the wars that never quite stop nor about the ticket that I got from that cop.
The looniest story of this lunatic season, the one beyond sanity, logic, or reason, one you won't imagine, dream of, or think, is a tale of a herd of fur-bearing mink. It's a story about the fight to be free To give minks the gift of true liberty. It's a story about the inter-species divide About freedom, death, and who should decide.
Near New Holstein, a very rural retreat With true yeoman farmers who know no deceit, Up in Wisconsin, where folks try to do right, 'Twas on a Tuesday, in the deep, dark of night, the moon was in hiding, the darkness was dense, the raiders crept up and under the fence. Five thousand minks, close relations to stoats waited in their cages to be turned into coats. To be flayed, to be skinned, then to be sold, 'tis the fate of such minks to never grow old.
The mink ranchers awakened to a great shock, The raiders had come and unlocked every lock Five thousand little critters scampering away, Not a single one of them wanted to stay. Not one single one, loved their very small home, Each and every one grabbed the first chance to roam They lit out for the forest, they ran for the wood, Up the hill, every which way that a mink could.
"Criminal thugs, felons, committing federal crimes!" offenses even worse than writing bad rhymes, that's an actual quote, that someone actually said, I'm not making that up, straight out of my head. The exec director of Fur Commission, USA, those are the very words that that man did say. The thing that's so crazy, that makes me so blue Is that what he said, it turns out that it's true. Cutting loose the minks, that's no local offense To be written off to mischievous intents.
There is a law, get ready to hear it, It's a federal statute, get ready to fear it. It is the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act. That's not made up, it's an actual fact. What does it mean? Its meaning is that it's a federal crime to have a cat in a hat Oh, no, you say that it cannot be that, it cannot be a crime to have a cat in a hat. Yes, I exaggerated this and lied about that. It would only be a crime to release that cat if he were being bred so as to make a fur hat.
You've heard of PETA, this is AETA As in "where's the dog?" "Oh, I ate her." "Would like some?" "Not now, maybe later." "A doggy bag?" "Yes, please tell the waiter." It's very clear, nothing could be straighter. Animals are for fur and they're for eating For testing our drugs and for our meating.
Who's the enforcer of this grandiloquent act? To make sure transgressors are suitably thwacked? Protecting our freedom, protecting our purity, now protecting our fur, it is Homeland Security.
Mr. Whelan of fur, Fur Commission, USA gets credited with the quote of the day. "Fur is just a gateway product," is what he did say. "It's low-lying fruit," where terrorists start, be warned of what's lurking deep in their heart. "Leather, meat, wool, poultry," and even "dairy." No more ice cream cakes on the day you do marry.